The Miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes

Socialists are not above resorting to any source in support of an argument – including the Bible

V17. And it came to pass at the sixth hour, when Jesus had spoken at length of the Edomites, and the Ephraimites, and the Hasmonites, and the Plasmonites, and the Sonderbites, and the Summenites, and the Malachites, and the Ammonites, and the Bakelites, and of many other wondrous things, that a question arose among the faithful: “Lord, what are we going to have for our tea?”

V18. The Lord replied thus: “Bring unto me your loaves and your fishes for safekeeping, that a repast may be prepared wherein all may share even unto the lowest of the flock.” And the people did so, rendering to Him all that was in their possession and sparing nothing unto themselves. And the Lord looked down upon the host of bread they had collected, which numbered not more than five loaves, and the fishes, which were in number but two, and He spoke in wonder saying “That’s not much is it?”

V19. Then He did address the gathering, bidding them form an orderly assembly. Thereupon turning first to one Jacob the Canaanite, who was at the head of the queue, He spake thus: “Take thee freely of my bread and my fishes, as though they were my very flesh,  that thou may eat and be content, O Jacob of Canaan.” And Jacob said “Thanks a lot, Lord.”

V20. But as Jacob knelt to take up a portion whereof to dine, Jesus held aloft his arm saying “But wait, O Jacob, for see ye not that  the sun is yet high, and that the hour of tea is not yet upon us? Wilt thou not tarry a while, that we may all partake communally as one people in God’s mercy?” And Jacob said “Alright, Lord, I will. If you say so.” Then Jesus said: “And wilt thou not also vouchsafe to me thy portion for keeping until the appointed hour? For I see by thy simple robe that thou hast no folds wherein it may dwell, whereas mine comes with pockets.” And Jacob replied, saying: “Hollowed be thy pockets, Lord. I shall place my faith and dinner therein.”

V21.Then did Jesus approach the next one in line, one Ezekiel of Zin, and first he did give him of the loaves and the fishes whereof he had heretofore been furnished, and that he had just lent, and that he had then embraced once again back into his keeping. Then did he also address Ezekiel in these words, saying “O Ezekiel, mark you that it is not yet of the dinner hour, and yet I perceive that you are also lacking pockets. Therefore surrender unto me for safekeeping that which I bestow upon you, and I’ll look after it for you as I did with Jacob.”

V22. And Ezekiel did. And thus did Mary of Edom also follow the same wise counsel, and Rachel of Modom, and Simeon of Simeon, and Gladius of Nubia, and Chief Running Deer of the far shores, until the whole multitude had done likewise.

V23. And Jesus spake to the multitude saying “Lo, this is a device I learned from the moneylenders at the temple, wherein by ineffable means known only to God the Father, loaves and fishes are created from the very air.

V24. “And I have this day performed this miracle before your very eyes. For yea, though my starting capital was but slender, have not each one of you received loaves and fishes by my hand, though ye be a great multitude?”

V25.And the people fell down in wonder, though they be sore famished by this time, and agreed that it was a miracle. Then on further consideration did they press upon the Lord to receive back what they had loaned on deposit, so that they may truly eat, thus creating an Almighty squeeze. But Jesus withdrew and implored them to desist, saying “Lord, forgive them, for they know not how finance works”. Then were fists raised in ire, and the first credit crunch smote the Lord upon the eye, followed by several others, for verily did the multitude twig that they had been diddled.

V26. At the eleventh hour under cover of darkness, and most belaboured upon the body by the faithful, did Jesus hasten back to the temple moneylenders, and there did He kick over their tables in full wroth, saying “Don’t even think you’re getting a bonus.”

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