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Brief Reports

After their success at finding the Higgs boson, scientists at CERN are planning to fire politicians at each other in the giant collider to see if any truth falls out. Said one physicist: ‘Politicians observe many of the laws of quantum mechanics, including uncertainty, entanglement and occupying multiple positions simultaneously. Their known properties however explain very little of what goes on in the real world. Up to 96 percent of their physical reality occupies a domain known as ‘Doesn’t Matter’. We think they may be WIMPs. We also hope to investigate whether they have invisible superheavy partners called the Soron, the Warron and the Bilderbergon.’A sigma-5 level discovery is currently considered unlikely, CERN says: ‘Politicians decay very rapidly into other forms, such as chairmen or business consultants, and data is often corrupted. There is a high statistical probability of false positives. Given enough collisions, some of them will tell the truth by accident without even realising it.’

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British plant scientists at the John Innes Centre in Norwich have won a $10m Gates Foundation grant to develop GM cereal crops for third world farmers with little access to fertilisers. “We’re delighted to get this grant,”said the head of the research team, “it’s true that the seed crops only cost around half a million to develop, but we need nine and a half million for security to keep the anti-GM protestors out.”

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David Cameron has said in a speech on rail investment that he is as committed to the coalition government as he ever was: “This government is not going off the rails. It’s as safe as houses... er, and you can bank on it.”

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One in eight soldiers has attacked someone after coming home from a combat deployment, according to an MoD-funded study of 13,000 personnel. ‘This is appalling’, the Defence Secretary said yesterday, ‘no wonder we can’t beat the bloody Afghans. I’m ordering an investigation into why 7 out of 8 of our troops are such Nancies.’

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The UK economy should enjoy an "Indian summer" after a poor first half of the year, says a leading forecaster. Speculation continues over the decision to hand over the task of financial projections to the Met Office, where an insider reported that ‘we always get the blame anyway, so it makes sense for those bastards at the Treasury to stab us in the back too.’House prices were washed away in the Midlands last week as the FTSE fell nine inches in a single trading day. A cold front over the Euro is blamed for the worst summer on record.