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Royal Welding

Scientists have almost succeeded in crossing an endangered inbred species with a specimen from the related species homo-partius-animalis. The splicing of Prince William of Diana, KFC with the Right Ordinary Kate Middlebrow will take place under closed circuit conditions in front of 1900 specially invited observers, with appropriate ambient vibrations provided by a bank of sterilised musical 'pop' androids, before the couple retire into a private mansion to bonk out what is hoped will be the next generation of media darlings. "It's pretty crucial they get this right", said one mating specialist, "as results have been so disappointing for the last three generations. There's a real danger the line may go extinct, or gaga, and Britain could end up being a garden-variety republic like France."

Experts say that it is quite hard to train royal breeds as they have a tendency to run off at the mouth and look stupid in front of cameras, or else punch the people holding the cameras. They have to be kept on a severely rich diet and protected from work and other hereditary allergies while at the same time being represented as 'normal' people who 'do things'. They are secluded from prying spotters yet must remain visible enough so that people can remember who they are. They are surrounded by obsequious flunkies and then told that they are 'serving the nation'. They must be prevented from expressing opinions and embarrassing themselves in public, since like many celebrities they tend to believe that because everyone is looking at them they must be clever people with something to say. Finally they must at all times profess their loyalty and devotion to a political system which regards them as anachronistic nobodies who should by all historical logic and precedent have long since been shot in a cellar. Not surprisingly these restrictive and paradoxical conditions often lead to strange and delusional behaviour, especially in the elder males. Many of them tend to speak in a strangulated squeak from permanently contracted sphincters, a conditioned reflex learned from their public school upbringing. The females often go off the rails entirely and have to call in Lord Max of Hastings to conduct damage limitation.

For the sartorially curious, Kate Middleroad will be wearing a dress worth several African dictators. William's younger brother and best man will turn up in a Nazi uniform for a bit of a lark and a nod to their forebears. Charles will be dressed as a cactus.

Wills, as the adoring public love to call him according to the Daily Mail, saw active service behind the lines of bodyguards and became a highly trained helicopter pilot, a fact that may come in useful if ever the republicans stage a coup and the Royal Benefit-Scroungers need to do a swift bunk to Sweden. He is descended from many notable English monarchs including Peter the Great, Catherine the Great, Ivor the Cutler and Vlad the Impaler. However, anti-royal spoilsports may retort that this pedigree is genetically spurious, since like all humans Willy probably shares more genes with the Neanderthals than he does with his great-great-great-grandfather.

Wills gets given a dukedom as a wedding present, which lasts a bit longer than a set of towels from BHS. Meanwhile we get a day off, which lasts a day. But hey, let's not be churlish. It's a bit of a show, a bit of pomp, a bit of nonsense our descendants will scratch their heads over. And it's no worse than the X-Factor.

HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE! (Trans: if you don't like it, f**k you!)

PJS