Skip to Content

Joke

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016
Joke

Two socialists walking down Clapham High Street one night. Gang of hoodlums comes round the corner.

1st Socialist: I think we're going to get mugged here.

2nd Socialist: I think you're right...Here's that seventy quid I owe you.

Bijou Drains
Bijou Drains's picture
Online
Joined: 17/11/2015

Laugh?

I nearly started.


Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

Tart goes up to a socialist on Clapham High Street one night. She says: 'Will you sleep with me for £100?' He says: 'Well, I'm not tired but I could do with the money'.

Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

Communist goes to the barbers. Barber asks him: 'Going on your holidays this year?' . Communist says: Yeah, I'm goin' to Moscow.

Oh, you don't wanna go there. Went last year with the Missus. It was rubbish. The food is horrible, weather awful, all the architecture was covered in corrugated sheeting being cleaned and when we went to Red Square to see Stalin there were 2 million other communists  and all we could see was the top of his hat.

Well, I've bought me ticket now, I've got to go.

Month later the communist is back in the barbers chair.

Did you go to Moscow?

Yeah. It was fantastic. Food out of this world, beautiful weather all week, and the the architecture has to be seen to be believed.

Did you see Stalin?

Oh yeah. There we were in Red Square with 2 million other communists like you said. All you could see as he stood on Lenin's tomb was the top of his hat. Then he slowly raised his arm and pointed straight at me. The crowd parted as a man. He descended the steps, walked the entire length of Red Square and came right up to me. And do you know what he said?

What?

'Who cut your fuckin' hair?'

Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

Tart plans to open up business on Clapham High Street. Her mates tell her:' You don't wanna do that. Your only clients  will be socialists. They may say they want to abolish money but they know the value of it. Mean and tight-fisted'. She goes ahead anyway. First week she puts a notice in her window. 'Special Offer. One Week Only! I do anything. Tell me what you want in just 3 words and get it for a fiver.' First socialist falls  through the door. He sez: 'F**k me stupid'. She gives him the works and he goes away satisified and only £5 poorer. Next socialist is a bit kinky. He sez: 'Beat me up'. So she gives him a right pasting. He goes away satisified, in his own peculiar way, and all for a fiver. Next client to come in is a real old school socialist. He knows the score. He sez: 'Paint my house'. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bijou Drains
Bijou Drains's picture
Online
Joined: 17/11/2015

You really are a card, aren't you Bob, you should get yourself an agent, although I suppose you're more used to sitting there handling yourself.


Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

Old socialist goes to the doctor who tells him: You have bronchitis and alzheimer's.

Old socialist sez: Well, look on the bright side - at least I haven't got bronchitis.

Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

The Association for Eating Disorders throw a new year's eve party and on the stroke of midnight a cake leaps out of a girl.

 

"Don't hit your posset with a stick, it tends to make you cough". - Eugene V. Rumpo.

Bob Andrews
Bob Andrews's picture
Offline
Joined: 18/11/2016

Tim Kilgallon wrote:

 I suppose you're more used to sitting there handling yourself.

In Alan Freeman voice: 'Not arf mate!

Login or register to post comments