The Western Socialist
Vol. 34 - No. 259
No. 5, 1967
A Discussion Between Jack, the Beanstalk Plantation Owner and Henry, His Golden Egg Mint Man.
HENRY: Man you play it cool. You do what you like, and you do it when you like to do it. And all those frails who part their hair just the way you like it. How do you make this scene?
JACK: Easy, man. I got all kinds of giants growing beanstalks for me.
HENRY: Wild! How do you get them to do that?
JACK: Easy, man. I just give them some of those golden eggs you mint for me.
HENRY: Crazy! Why do they want those?
JACK: Simple, man. They need them to buy some of the beans they produce.
HENRY: Way out! How come the giants don't just help themselves to the beans?
JACK: Can't, man. I give a few golden eggs to other giants to guard my beans with rifles and keep the giants in cages if they get caught.
HENRY: Holy masochism! How come they don't see the con game?
JACK: Ain't easy, man. I got other giants running schools to train them that the only thing to do is to try and climb beanstalks. This keeps them seeing the world through my eyes.
HENRY: Holy apprehension! Don't you worry about them getting to your position?
JACK: Not much, man. Most of the giants can't even get past the first low branches. Only a few get high enough that I have to have the beanstalk cut down. About one in a thousand gets up and we just absorb him.
HENRY: What a plot! You must have it real cozy.
JACK: Well, not quite, man. I got problems. The giants produce so many beans that even my groovy living doesn't use them all.
HENRY: What a hangup! What do you do with with the rest?
JACK: Well, I try to get rid of them across the sea for more golden eggs.
HENRY: Way out, man. You've got the solution.
JACK: Well, not exactly. You see there are bad Jacks over there who are trying to do the same things I'm doing.
HENRY: What a paradox, man. What can be done?
JACK: Well, I give a few more eggs to other giants to fly bombers to blow up the bad Jacks' beanstalk plantations before the bad Jacks get their giants to blow up my beanstalk plantations. These military giants also guard my source of beanstalk fertilizer and try to get new sources away from the bad Jacks.
HENRY: What a smooth solution, man. You should feel cool.
JACK: Well, almost, but I have a bit of a paranoia about mushroom clouds.
HENRY: Holy dilemma, man! I wonder why all the giants don't educate themselves outside the Jack schools so they could take all the beanstalk plantations away from all the Jacks and make them serve everyone.
JACK: Go wash out your mouth with acid, and if I ever hear such utopia again I'll send you down to work on the beanstalks. You dig, man?
HENRY: I dig, and I am not yet ready to trade my white collar in for a blue one. I start minting new golden eggs for you right away.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
(Leaflet issued by Victoria Local, S.P.C.)